Dr. Robyn Silverman: Back Seat Driving Parents

Are you a back-seat-driving parent? 7 Ways to Keep Micromanagement of the Other Parent in Check

We all get annoyed when someone becomes a back-seat driver in our own car. “Slow down!” “Speed up!” “Why are you going this way???” Back-seat drivers can make us feel like bumbling fools or they can just simply drive us crazy.  But how can the same type of dynamic play out in the parenting relationship?
“You can’t say that!”
“Do it this way!”
“Just let me handle it.”
Gosh. Isn’t that annoying? Frustrating? Degrading? When one parent continually tries to tell the other parent where to go and what to do when it comes to the kids—or just takes the proverbial wheel out of his/her hands, it creates an unhealthy dynamic– one parent who constantly feels shamed, unsure and/or on the defensive and, what I call, a “back-seat-driver parent,” who hovers, corrects, and micromanages his or her partner.
We all only want the best for our children and our families.  So how can we keep our back-seat driving tendencies in check when it comes to our co-parenting style?
(1) Don’t auto-correct: When you see the other parent handling a problem or interaction differently that you would, pause. Cut the other person some slack! Nobody wants to feel that they can’t do anything without shaming, comparing, and immediate commentary. Remember–Just because they do things a different way, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
(2) His/her best may be good enough or better: Don’t be so blinded by “your way” that you get in your own way of seeing that his/her way might be good enough or better.  Everyone has something to learn—and yes, everyone has something to teach too.
(3) Do it in private: When you disagree with the way that something was handled, don’t reprimand your partner in public.  Speak to him/her privately about what you disapproved of and how you think things could have been dealt with instead. And, even in private, allow respect to govern the conversation.
(4) Use specific rather than global remarks: Rather than making comments like “you always do that!” or “you are so argumentative!” be specific about what happened. “When you were with Molly this morning, you yelled a great deal rather than putting her in time out like we discussed yesterday.” When we make our remarks specific, you show that you don’t agree with a specific action, when we make them global, they seem like an attack on the other parent’s character.
(5) Open up a discussion as a united front: You are not always right.  When your children are behaving in ways that you don’t find acceptable, have a conversation with the other parent to discuss what to about it. Ask; how do you think we should handle this? Here are some of my ideas…” Listen as well as offering your own thoughts.
(6) Step in only when mistakes are detrimental: If safety or bad long-term repercussions seem imminent, step in. Just know the difference between differences in opinion and harmful conduct.
(7) Remember the values and lessons you hope to teach: When we consistently step in and cut the other parent off at the knees, we can inadvertently convey to our children that the other parent isn’t worthy enough, smart enough, or good enough.  We also demonstrate to our kids that if they have a difference of agreement with someone else—adult or otherwise—they can simply take the controls and do whatever they want. At the foundation of parenting, we always want to conduct ourselves with respect in order to both show respect to the other parent and teach the children the importance of respect in every relationship.
Most everyone has moments of back-seat driver parenting (whether by a co-parent or another family member) so it follows that most parents have also been on the receiving end of auto-correcting remarks or disapproving looks. We all make mistakes. It’s what we do on a daily basis that matter the most. Nobody is perfect—not the other parent, and yes, not you either! Step back and give yourself a break and while you’re at it, give that same gift to the person who is on your parenting team too.  On days that run long and tempers run short, we all deserve one!

Don't rely on your GPS TOO much!

Have you ever been in a car when a driver was paying too much attention to the GPS and not enough attention to the road?

If so, and it resulted in a fender bender, it probably felt like a case of technology failing to do what it’s supposed to— make our lives easier, safer and more entertaining.

Well three women visiting Bellevue Washington for a Costco convention ran into similar trouble Wednesday. According to KATU it was just after midnight and the ladies were looking for their hotel when the driver, lead by the rental GPS unit, drove their SUV down a boat launch and directly into a lake. Neither of her friends stopped her.

No one was hurt— one woman immediately lept to the dock, while the other two balanced on the door frames until the car sunk too deep and they had to wade to safety.

Granted, the boat launch was not well lit, but one has to ask: wtf?

I think the quotes that Lt. Eric Keenan with the Bellevue Fire Department best illustrate this mishap.

“We’ve seen sitcom parodies of something like this and to actually see it is surprising,” he said.

“They were trying to re-route their path and found this boat launch near the entrance to I-90 in South Bellevue and just kept driving into the water.”

“I don’t know why they wouldn’t question driving into a puddle that doesn’t seem to end.”
Well put, Keenan. While it sucks that the GPS lead them astray, this is not the case of technology failing a driver, rather a case of a driver temporarily failing life.

Wonder what Mary On Board would say to this driver!

New Traffic Light Technology!

This driver was NOT listening to his Mary On Board

EYES ON THE ROAD

OCTOBER 26, 2011

The Back-Seat Driver in Your Dashboard

New Interactive Features Are Aimed at Making Efficient Motoring Fun Like a Video Game

• By JOSEPH B. WHITE

Hyundai

Hyundai's Veloster features a fuel-economy game that awards points for efficient driving. Scores can be shared with other drivers.

Remember when Mom or Dad would nag you about wasting gas by driving too fast? Now your car can do it for them.

Joe White on Lunch Break looks at how car makers are developing and installing new technology designed to coach you to drive more efficiently. Put simply, it's like having your back seat driving mom built into the car. But there are twists.

Technology designed to coach you toward a more efficient style of driving is showing in many new cars. Options run the gamut from simple displays of fuel consumption, to interactive video games, to a gas pedal that actually pushes back when you stomp it.
Auto makers view these features as lures for younger, cash-conscious and tech-savvy buyers. They might also help car makers meet coming federal fuel-efficiency standards. Research indicates these electric noodges can make a significant dent in fuel consumption, if drivers actually follow the advice the systems give them.
Car makers are treading carefully. They want to engage their customers in the effort to conserve oil, but they don't want to irritate them and don't want to compromise safety by making eco-driving displays too distracting. Most of these technologies can be ignored or turned off if drivers choose.

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Hyundai

Hyundai's Veloster

At the far end of the in-car coaching spectrum is Nissan Motor Corp.'s Infiniti and its "Eco Pedal." It is a gas pedal that, in "Eco" mode, gently pushes back against your foot when the car's computers decide you're romping too aggressively on the accelerator. The brand began offering it as part of a $3,000 optional "technology package" with other advanced safety systems. About a fifth of the M-line buyers get the technology package, which also will be offered on the 2013 JX luxury crossover, due to be debuted in November, Infiniti says.

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Ford

The Lincoln MKZ hybrid.

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Ford

A gauge in the Lincoln MKZ hybrid features growing vines and leafs to reward drivers visually for efficient motoring.

Hyundai Motor Co.'s sporty new 2012 Veloster three-door coupe has a fuel-economy game programmed into the screen that also displays the car's location, onboard entertainment and telecommunications. The "Blue Max" program measures the car's fuel economy every 10 minutes and displays a score. Drivers can share their score with other Veloster owners using the car's Blue Link wireless link.
Fuel economy is important to the Veloster's young, target buyers, says Hyundai Motor America's senior manager for product planning, Brandon Ramirez. "Gen Y is into gaming," he says, which is why they chose a videogame format. Although the car just came out, Veloster owners are already comparing their scores in an online forum.
It wouldn't be the first time drivers have turned trimming fuel use into a game: Some owners of hybrids and other cars compete with themselves and each other by "hypermiling," using various techniques to cut gasoline usage.
Ford Motor Co. uses images of a plant that grows as drivers motor more efficiently in its Fusion Hybrid model. And Toyota's Prius and Camry hybrids offer detailed, displays of real-time fuel economy.
Auto makers are experimenting with these features in part because future federal fuel-economy regulations could give them valuable credits under the Corporate Average Fuel Economy, or CAFE, rules for installing them. And researchers have found that gentle nagging by coaching systems works.

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Nissan

Infiniti's M-series

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Nissan

The gas pedals in Infiniti's M-series cars gently push back if stomped on when the optional 'Eco' mode is engaged.

Researchers at the University of California, Riverside have been experimenting with ways to give drivers instantaneous feedback on their driving efficiency for about five years. UC Riverside researchers equipped the cars of about 20 people with devices that gave them information about their real-time miles per gallon. Seeing that information led to savings ranging from 5% to 15%, researchers say.
Now, the researchers are embarking on a larger, three-year study, funded with $1.2 million from the Department of Energy. It's aimed at finding how much drivers can save if they have detailed information on the most fuel-efficient route to a destination—based on traffic and road conditions—coupled with coaching technology giving drivers instantaneous performance feedback.
Savings "could go up to 30% under ideal scenarios," says Kanok Boriboonsomsin, one of the researchers on the project. It's a worthy goal, as boosting a car's mpg by 30% through hardware changes—lighter materials, new transmissions, or tiny engines—can be expensive.
Still, the word "ideal" is important: Ideal conditions for driving in a fuel-saving manner aren't easy to find or sustain.
I took a spin in one of the UC Riverside's test vehicles—a heavily modified Nissan Altima bristling with computers and antennae. Accelerating out of the parking lot, my real-time mpg sank well below the roughly 20-mpg target for city driving on the screen.
Things improved coasting downhill, but when I accelerated up the on-ramp to merge with traffic, my real-time fuel economy dipped below 10 mpg.
Michael Todd, a UC Riverside researcher who chaperoned my drive, says mashing the accelerator to get on a freeway can overwhelm the car's exhaust-scrubbing systems. So, not only is the car burning a lot of fuel, but it's adding a bigger-than-average load to air pollution.
The message from the UC Riverside data is that relatively small changes in behavior can produce fairly substantial reductions in fuel consumption.
The overall problem, Mr. Todd says, is that "most people aren't taught how to conserve fuel" when they learn to drive.

The Imported Sports Car

The work of a certain timid but thorough lawyer was valued for its precision, so soon he was making money to buy himself a nice imported sports car.

Not long afterwards he had the misfortune to get lost in the worst part of town, and when he stopped at a red light a huge, mean son-of-a bitch hauled him out of the driver’s seat.

Drawing a circle around him on the pavement, the hoodlum told him not to set foot out of it unless he wanted the crap beat out of him. The delinquent proceeded to demolish the car, starting with the headlights and windows, when he heard the lawyer giggling.

He moved on to the body and engine, but in between crashes he couldn’t help hearing gales of laughter.

Finally, crowbar in hand, he came over to his victim and demanded, “What you laughing about? Your fancy car’s never gonna run again.”

“So?” the lawyer gasped helplessly, tears running down his face. “Ever since you started tearing up my car, I’ve been stepping in and out of this circle, in and out, in and out…”